Isn’t that the most triumphant statement! I can just feel my soul stir and want to shout when I hear “God Wins!”. God. Wins. It also makes me think back over all the times in my life that I lost sight of that truth. The times my circumstances overwhelmed me. The times I grabbed hold of what I felt or saw instead of the the truth, God Wins. Not just in the case of David vs. Goliath, not just occasionally, not just if He is really “feeling” it, and thankfully not just when I am good enough, strong enough, Christian enough and certainly not just in those times when I remember that He wins. God. Wins.
Five years ago on this day, April 11, 2006, I loved and trusted the Lord. I would have told anyone that I had a firm foundation, a great walk, true trust, the Lord was indeed “my Lord”. I had been healed and had seen people healed by the Healer. I knew that I knew that I knew that my God answers prayers and was in the business of miracles. I had no way of knowing that in a couple of days, April 14, 2006, my entire world was going to turn upside down. Everything I believed, I would no longer trust. That firm foundation? Crumbled. When I was most desperate for healing, there wasn’t any. When I believed, trusted and claimed a miracle…nothing.
Five years ago on this day, April 11, 2006, I loved and trusted the Lord. I would have told anyone that I had a firm foundation, a great walk, true trust, the Lord was indeed “my Lord”. I had been healed and had seen people healed by the Healer. I knew that I knew that I knew that my God answers prayers and was in the business of miracles. I had no way of knowing that in a couple of days, April 14, 2006, my entire world was going to turn upside down. Everything I believed, I would no longer trust. That firm foundation? Crumbled. When I was most desperate for healing, there wasn’t any. When I believed, trusted and claimed a miracle…nothing.
Tomorrow, April 12th marks five years. Five years ago tomorrow I received a phone call that literally changed my life. I got the call that my baby brother (24 at the time) had bacterial meningitis. Having worked in the medical field I knew that was horrible news. I immediately called every prayer warrior I knew. We were praying, praying hard. We were believing, truly believing. We were expectant of a miracle. My brother was on prayer chains across the world. I knew there was no way my brother wasn’t going to come out of this. After all, my God is a healer, my God works miracles, I trusted, I believed.
April 14th, five years ago, my husband and I boarded a plane to Arizona to see my brother and be with my family. The doctors weren’t optimistic. But I still had hope. I still believed. I truly believed that when I arrived, laid my hands on him and prayed, that he would rise up. April 14th, five years ago, after our last brother arrived in Arizona, we turned the life support machines off. I was still holding on to the hope of a miracle. As the last traces of life left my brother, I waited for the Lord. I expected, the Healer to heal, the Miracle provider to provide a miracle, I expected my sweet, wonderful, strong, healthy, handsome, kind, loving, joy of my life, brother to rise up, shake off death, and walk out. Just like Lazarus.
April 14th, 2006, when the nurse asked us kids to leave the room so my mom could spend a couple of minutes saying goodbye to her baby, as my brothers and I sunk to the floor in the hallway, I stopped believing. I no longer trusted. My God had betrayed me. He had left me in my most desperate hour of need. I knew there was a God, I just no longer cared. This was not the God I loved. This was a God who abandons.
In the weeks and months ahead, I fell apart. I had not had a good childhood and Matthew was my source of happiness and joy growing up. We had such a unique and wonderful connection. And the Lord had taken that from me. I didn’t just sink into grief. I grabbed hold of it with both hands and refused to see or hear anything else. Grief was my new comfort, it was what I trusted in, believed in and clung to. I alternated between fits of anger, pain, and grief, I was crying out for someone, anyone to explain to me how a “loving” God allowed this to happen. I PRAYED, I BELIEVED, I EXPECTED, I TRUSTED. Isn’t that the “formula” for effective prayers? If God can’t or won’t answer that type of prayer then does He even really hear us? If God knows me, knows my heart, how could He allow me to experience so much pain, how could He break my heart like that? If He really is the ONE who knows me best, then doesn’t He know that I struggle, battle daily, with abandonment issues? That trust is not something I do. Why did He abandon me, why did He break my trust? During one of my fits of grief, my patient, loving husband listened and then said something that at the time angered me. (You know when your throwing a fit, you really don’t want to hear the truth, you just want to throw the fit!) He said to me that our prayers brought Matthew before the Lord, we were interceding on his behalf. Matthew IS healed. Our prayers were never meant to keep Matthew here. Our prayers asked the Healer to heal. And He did.
In the five years I have seen and experienced so many Sun Stand Still moments. Crazy things, things that have left me feeling loved and secure. Things that have literally been the Lord shouting His great love for me. My God has moved people from California to comfort, support and pray me through the darkest of days. Given words to friends and loved ones to speak to me at just the right moment. On the third anniversary of my brother dying, the Lord sent me to a Third Day concert, front row, meet the band passes, through someone I would have considered an acquaintance, at best, who knew somewhat about my brother, but had no idea that as she invited me, that it was the third anniversary. During that year, just before the concert, I began to see through my grief all that the Lord had done. Death could have been the end. Crucifixion, death, burial, BUT, on the third day, He rose again!! Even in death, God Wins.
I may not be able to see my brother, hear his voice, or bask in the pure joy of his beautiful laugh, but I know that I know that I know, he has been healed! That because of a loving, merciful, powerful, miraculous, Healer; death is not the last word. The enemy has been defeated, death does not hold my brother down. In the battle for my brother….God Won!
Today, April 11th, 2011, I love and trust the Lord. I have a firm foundation, a great walk, true trust, the Lord is indeed “my Lord”. I have been healed and have seen people healed by the Healer. I know that I know that I know that my God answers prayers and is in the business of miracles. April 14, 2006 my entire world got turned upside down and God has spent the last five years helping me to turn it right side up. I believe, I trust. That firm foundation? Stronger and deeper, built on the Rock, no longer built on sand. When I am most desperate for healing, it is always there. I believe, trust and claim miracles…and He always provides. I have audacious faith, because I have seen and experienced multiple sun standing still moments. I have audacious faith because I know that in EVERY situation, no matter how it feels or looks in that moment, I know the truth and the promise, GOD WINS.
-Rebecca
To read other entries in the Sun Stand Still blog, please click here
April 14th, five years ago, my husband and I boarded a plane to Arizona to see my brother and be with my family. The doctors weren’t optimistic. But I still had hope. I still believed. I truly believed that when I arrived, laid my hands on him and prayed, that he would rise up. April 14th, five years ago, after our last brother arrived in Arizona, we turned the life support machines off. I was still holding on to the hope of a miracle. As the last traces of life left my brother, I waited for the Lord. I expected, the Healer to heal, the Miracle provider to provide a miracle, I expected my sweet, wonderful, strong, healthy, handsome, kind, loving, joy of my life, brother to rise up, shake off death, and walk out. Just like Lazarus.
April 14th, 2006, when the nurse asked us kids to leave the room so my mom could spend a couple of minutes saying goodbye to her baby, as my brothers and I sunk to the floor in the hallway, I stopped believing. I no longer trusted. My God had betrayed me. He had left me in my most desperate hour of need. I knew there was a God, I just no longer cared. This was not the God I loved. This was a God who abandons.
In the weeks and months ahead, I fell apart. I had not had a good childhood and Matthew was my source of happiness and joy growing up. We had such a unique and wonderful connection. And the Lord had taken that from me. I didn’t just sink into grief. I grabbed hold of it with both hands and refused to see or hear anything else. Grief was my new comfort, it was what I trusted in, believed in and clung to. I alternated between fits of anger, pain, and grief, I was crying out for someone, anyone to explain to me how a “loving” God allowed this to happen. I PRAYED, I BELIEVED, I EXPECTED, I TRUSTED. Isn’t that the “formula” for effective prayers? If God can’t or won’t answer that type of prayer then does He even really hear us? If God knows me, knows my heart, how could He allow me to experience so much pain, how could He break my heart like that? If He really is the ONE who knows me best, then doesn’t He know that I struggle, battle daily, with abandonment issues? That trust is not something I do. Why did He abandon me, why did He break my trust? During one of my fits of grief, my patient, loving husband listened and then said something that at the time angered me. (You know when your throwing a fit, you really don’t want to hear the truth, you just want to throw the fit!) He said to me that our prayers brought Matthew before the Lord, we were interceding on his behalf. Matthew IS healed. Our prayers were never meant to keep Matthew here. Our prayers asked the Healer to heal. And He did.
In the five years I have seen and experienced so many Sun Stand Still moments. Crazy things, things that have left me feeling loved and secure. Things that have literally been the Lord shouting His great love for me. My God has moved people from California to comfort, support and pray me through the darkest of days. Given words to friends and loved ones to speak to me at just the right moment. On the third anniversary of my brother dying, the Lord sent me to a Third Day concert, front row, meet the band passes, through someone I would have considered an acquaintance, at best, who knew somewhat about my brother, but had no idea that as she invited me, that it was the third anniversary. During that year, just before the concert, I began to see through my grief all that the Lord had done. Death could have been the end. Crucifixion, death, burial, BUT, on the third day, He rose again!! Even in death, God Wins.
I may not be able to see my brother, hear his voice, or bask in the pure joy of his beautiful laugh, but I know that I know that I know, he has been healed! That because of a loving, merciful, powerful, miraculous, Healer; death is not the last word. The enemy has been defeated, death does not hold my brother down. In the battle for my brother….God Won!
Today, April 11th, 2011, I love and trust the Lord. I have a firm foundation, a great walk, true trust, the Lord is indeed “my Lord”. I have been healed and have seen people healed by the Healer. I know that I know that I know that my God answers prayers and is in the business of miracles. April 14, 2006 my entire world got turned upside down and God has spent the last five years helping me to turn it right side up. I believe, I trust. That firm foundation? Stronger and deeper, built on the Rock, no longer built on sand. When I am most desperate for healing, it is always there. I believe, trust and claim miracles…and He always provides. I have audacious faith, because I have seen and experienced multiple sun standing still moments. I have audacious faith because I know that in EVERY situation, no matter how it feels or looks in that moment, I know the truth and the promise, GOD WINS.
-Rebecca
To read other entries in the Sun Stand Still blog, please click here
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